


A Thousand Firsts

by bodhirookandor



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: First Times, M/M, they knew each other before au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 21:38:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11261523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bodhirookandor/pseuds/bodhirookandor
Summary: Bodhi thinks that the first time they met was in that cell. When brown eyes clashed and time stood still. He thinks the first time they met is a hissed “are you the pilot,” and a broken gasp of a “yes.” He thinks they met when the world collapsed around them, when NiJedha wailed in distress and split in two. He thinks the first time they met is under the haze of pain and horror and no no no, not my home, not NiJedha.He thinks....He thinks....He’s wrong.





	A Thousand Firsts

**Author's Note:**

> For Bodhicassian week day 2!! I know I'm late...and this isn't my best i guess but I'm trying to write something for each day. Even if it is 2 days late lmao. I hope you like it!

Bodhi thinks that the first time they met was in that cell. When brown eyes clashed and time stood still. He thinks the first time they met is a hissed “are you the pilot,” and a broken gasp of a “yes.” He thinks they met when the world collapsed around them, when NiJedha wailed in distress and split in two. He thinks the first time they met is under the haze of pain and horror and  _no no no, not my home, not NiJedha._

He thinks....He thinks....

He’s wrong.

* * *

 

_Their first meeting is under twinkling starlight and faint cantina music. Cassian is walking around, trying to get his mind off of his latest mission. His fingers twitch at his side, feeling slick with sweat and blood. The hours spent in the bathroom hadn’t gotten rid of the sensation, as though the blood had seeped deep into his skin, staining him forever._

_Cassian had broken the mirror and promptly ran out of the building._

_He’s walking along the beach when he sees him, body tucked in on itself. He’s staring straight ahead, moon reflecting off of his skin, casting deep and impenetrable shadows._

_The man is a beautiful, a song straight from his dreams. Cassian can’t help the small gasp that leaves his mouth, the interest that pools in his stomach. He walks, slowly, almost cautiously, as though not to disturb the man in front of him._

_The man turns to him, head snapping up and eyes blazing crimson fire. They hold him in place, silently demanding the reason for his presence. He tilts his head, and lava pools from his eyes._

_It’s beautiful, so very beautiful and Cassian has no idea what to say._

_“Hi,” Cassian breathes, voice caught in his throat and mind silently screaming at him to stopstopstop and you shouldn’t do this. “I’m Willix.” The man stares at him again, brown eyes (as vast and as beautiful as the galaxy above them) bore deep into his own.  
_

_It’s quiet, time pooling around them, creating a silent bubble for just the two of them._

_“Bodhi,” the other man finally whispers, eyes still on his own, “Bodhi Rook.”_

* * *

 

Bodhi thinks the first time he’s heard Cassian sing is when he first came to in the med bay. It’s soft, a smooth candor filled to the brim with an emotion that Bodhi can’t identify in his current state. It’s muffled, as though he’s singing through water, a gentle wave gently washing over him.

"What are you singing?” His voice is rough, weak, but Bodhi finds he doesn’t care. He opens his eyes only to greet Cassian’s smile. It’s small, barely curling on the edge of his lips, but it melts his eyes, and Bodhi doesn’t know what to do with himself besides grin.

“A lullaby. My mom taught me,” Cassian says, momentarily lost in his memories, before turning back to him, “she told me it heals. I figured it’d help.” He looks down, smile sliding off and Bodhi refuses to let that happen, so he raises his still weak hand and rests it on top of Cassian’s.

Cassian’s eyes snap up to his, startled, but he doesn’t remove his hand. He merely turns it around and interlocks their fingers.

“Sing to me?” Bodhi asks, and Cassian’s smile could rival the sun in that moment.

Bodhi think the first time Cassian sings to him is in the med bay. Voice, muffled though it may be, tenderly easing the pain in his body, softly grabbing hold of his soul and wrapping it in a blanket of warmth and security.

Bodhi falls asleep, he thinks for the first time, to Cassian’s voice. A gentle caress on his spine and a whispered promise for more.

* * *

 

_The first time they’d sang to each other is under the setting sun. They’d seen each other a couple of times before, eyes meeting and darting away, hands slowly brushing and voices intermingling as they spoke in low tones. Cassian honestly couldn’t say who was following who, couldn’t explain their constant meeting, couldn’t explain why he didn’t care so long as he saw him again._

_He wonders, not for the first time, what exactly is wrong with him, but disregards it._

_Cassian sees him sitting atop his ship, head tilted up to admire the blossoming stars above them. He silently contemplates turning around and leaving, tells himself that it would probably be best for him to turn around and never look back._

_He walks to the ship and calls out a greeting. Bodhi looks down and nods, brown eyes reflecting the glow of the sun. He moves over, a silent invitation for Cassian to sit next to him and turns to look back up at the sky._

_“My mother,” Bodhi begins suddenly, breaking the silence, “always told me to keep an eye on the sun, to see if it rose the same way every day. For if the sun rose in the opposite direction, the end would come. And we’d all return to the Force.” He’s quiet for some time, staring up at the sky. Cassian watches him, watches as the sun’s heavenly glow slowly slides off their bodies and falls under the horizon. He watches and watches until Bodhi turns to look back at him. His eyes are dark pools of night, exhausted and terrified in equal measure._

_“My sun has been rising from the wrong side for years now.” He whispers, voice breaking and Cassian’s hand rises to rest on Bodhi’s before falling back down on his side.  
_

_“My mother,” Cassian says, mouth moving even as his mind screams at him to stop, “she used to tell me stories too. Mostly she sang to me.” Bodhi’s eyes twinkled with the force of a thousand stars and Cassian wonders if it’d be okay for him to come closer, to rest his hand on the other man’s cheek.  
_

_He stays in his spot, hand burning at his side._

_“Sing to me?” Bodhi asks, and Cassian can’t deny him._

* * *

 

Bodhi thinks their first fight is about Cassian not trusting him. He thinks it’s about how the other man vehemently refuses them going on missions together, thinks it’s about how Cassian is able to open up to everyone but  _him_. A part of him thinks it’s his fault.

The rest of him is just pissed off, at Cassian, at himself. He’s not sure.

He looks at the imperial uniform-the one he’d  _begged_  to keep and winces. No wonder no one on the base trusts him. He barely trusts himself. Still, he says nothing for a while, curling his anger and his pain within himself. Telling himself that it would do no good if he blows up.

It lasts about a week. 

Cassian denies another mission where they work together and Bodhi gnashes his teeth together, heart plummeting and cheeks warming with humiliation. He doesn’t say anything the entire walk back to their room, doesn’t say anything until the door closes behind them. He turns, lungs filled with pent up rage and pain so deep it takes his breath away.

“Why?” He asks, the word coming out far too weary for his liking, “why don’t you want me to go on missions with you?” Cassian doesn’t say anything and the anger rises.

“Why?” He hisses.

“Bodhi I really don’t think we need-”

“Why, why,  _dammit Cassian Why? **Why don’t you trust me**?” _ Cassian turns around at that, eyes narrowed into slits and mouth pulled down into a frown. It takes him three seconds to cross the room and push Bodhi against the wall.

“If you think,” Cassian says, voice a deadly whisper, “that I don’t trust you, then you don’t know much at all, do you?” He rests his head against Bodhi’s, eyes still narrowed into slits. Bodhi swallows and breifly contemplates pushing him back, to give himself some room.

He doesn’t.

Cassian looks at him for a minute, (or two, or maybe an hour. Bodhi’s not entirely sure, time slithered away from them, sliding off their bodies as though giving them a moment to themselves) before turning around and leaving the room.

Bodhi thinks their first fight is about Cassian not trusting him. And he’s not entirely wrong.

* * *

 

_Cassian leaves the restroom, willing his hands to stop shaking and comes to a stop in front of the door. Bodhi is staring at him, eyes boring into his own and lips pulled down into a grimace. Cassian swallows, body still trembling, and wonders if it’d be a good idea to just turn around and go. To leave and let himself become another memory in Bodhi’s life._

_He can still taste the blood in his mouth, can still hear the strangled scream mixing with his own, can still smell the smoke._

_Bodhi turns around and walks out towards his ship and Cassian finds himself following._

_They head to the ship and sit in silence for a second, neither one of them looking at the other._

_“Your name,” Bodhi begins, and Cassian instinctively tenses, “it’s not Willix.” He says it with such conviction, such surety, and Cassian closes his eyes for a second, hand curling into a fist beside him.  
_

_“Oh?” Is all he can say and he hates himself for it. Bodhi doesn’t say anything, although Cassian can feel his gaze on the side of his neck. It burns, reddening the skin and Cassian grits his teeth._

_“Oh? Is that all you have to say?”  
_

_“What do you want me to say?” Cassian grits out, his hand rising to rub at his eyes. “What the kriff do you want me to say, Bodhi?”  
_

_“Who are you?” Bodhi asks instead. Cassian doesn’t answer, can’t answer. His hand shakes at his side and a part of him wonders when it was he’d been like this in front of another person. When he’d been like this period.  
_

_(He’d been sixteen and killed for the very first time, emotions clawed at him until all he could do was lie on the floor and sob, shuddering out apologies. Kay found him an hour later, shivering and sobbing in his sleep.)_

_Cassian doesn’t know who he is. Can’t parse out his true identity from the mish mash of false identities he’d amassed during his career. He doesn’t know. And so he tells as close to the truth as he possibly can._

_“I’m no one.” A hand is under his chin, pulling his face up and Cassian looks into deep brown.  
_

_“You are not no one,” Bodhi whispers, wiping the tears Cassian didn’t even know he’d shed. They sit like that, both too close and not close enough, their only witness the stars above them. Cassian wonders if this is what it feels like to fall.  
_

* * *

 

Bodhi listens as Cassian talks, listens as Cassian lays out everything in front of him, makes himself completely vulnerable for the first time he’d known him. He listens as Cassian whispers their history, the story of how they met, how he knew his name without Bodhi ever having to tell him. He listens as Cassian talks to him,  _truly_  talks to him for the first time. 

Cassian finishes talking and looks down, body tense and unnaturally still as though he’d been carved from stone. Bodhi says nothing, merely grabs the man’s hands and interlocks their fingers.

Cassian’s eyes snap up to his, and their eyes meet, just like the first time (or second time? or third time?? whatever) they’d met. Brown regard brown as time hovers in the air around them. 

“Now you know,” Cassian whispers, squeezing his hand and pulling him closer.

“Now I know,” Bodhi whispers back.

* * *

 

“ _I’m from NiJedha,” Bodhi whispers one night, gazing up at the stars above them. He turns to look at him, eyes so very pained, dark brown pools of sorrow that reflect his own. Cassian turns away and swallows a lump in his throat._

_“Where are you from?” Bodhi says, voice still in the night. He then adds, “if you want to say of course.” But there’s no denying the hint of hope at the end of his words, the want for Cassian to reveal a bit of himself. He swallows, heart warming at the thought of someone wanting to know him; at the thought of someone wanting him. It mixed with the fear, the suspicion, the bitter adult warred with the ever hopeful child. Cassian swallows and shakes his head. Bodhi nods, but interlaces their fingers anyway.  
_

_“I’m Bodhi Rook of NiJedha.” It’s a simple truth, flowing out of his mouth like water and Cassian can’t help but envy that.  
_

_“I’m Bodhi Rook of NiJedha,” Bodhi repeats, staring up at the night sky, “and I **hate**  the Empire.” He turns to look at Cassian as he says it, silently demanding the other man to reprimand him, to push him away, to report him.  
_

_"Why did you tell me that, Bodhi?”_

_“I trust you,” the words flow out easily too. Or maybe it just sounds easy. Cassian notices the way Bodhi taps his wrist, noticing the way his other hand drums up and down his thigh. He says nothing, even as his heart swells.  
_

_I trust you. I trust you. I trust you._

_He pulls the other man into a hug, falls into his embrace like it’s the most natural thing to do. He breathes into Bodhi’s neck, feeling naked and vulnerable and relishing in the relative safety of Bodhi’s arms._

_He turns head and buries his head into Bodhi’s neck and breathes the truth._

_“I’m Cassian Andor of Fest.”  
_

* * *

 

Their first kiss, or the first kiss that Bodhi truly remembers is after he’d just gotten back from a mission. He’d been delayed; having taken heavy fire and grounding himself on a nearby planet. It’d taken him two weeks to get back to base, and he thanks every star in the universe that they’d not yet abandoned the base. He remembers the pats on the back, the hugs and “welcome back, little brother.” He remembers the smiles, the grins and the laughter that surrounded him as he basked in the glow of the people around him. 

And then suddenly there’d been Cassian. 

Cassian who’d apparently run across the entire base the minute he’d heard he’d been okay. Cassian who’s standing in front of him, eyes blown wide with solid relief, windswept fear, and  _something else_  that has Bodhi’s heart squeezing. He doesn’t remember when everyone else had left, doesn’t remember when it’d gotten so quiet. But Cassian is in front of him and Bodhi finds he doesn’t much care.

Cassian stands in front of him, hand cupping his face and breath intermingling with his own.

“You could have  _died_ ,” Cassian whispers.

“I didn’t,” Bodhi whispers back. Cassian swallows and presses his lips to Bodhi’s. It starts off soft, a press of lips, gentle waves of emotions that Bodhi honestly can’t name, until it grows. Cassian presses deeper and Bodhi comes closer and suddenly there’s tongue and biting and a  _moan_. The two of them pressed against one another as though they can’t get enough. 

Cassian is the one that pulls back just slightly, resting his forehead against the other man’s. He’s grinning, eyes half lidded but still swimming with so much emotion. Bodhi wonders if it’d be okay for him to admit that he’s falling just a little bit.

* * *

 

_Their true first kiss happens in the rain. A harsh torrential downpour that makes Bodhi look up and laugh in a way Cassian had never seen him laugh before. It’s free, honest and so very happy that it makes Cassian stay, where as he otherwise would’ve went inside. He laughs too, until they’re both in the rain, laughing together like fools._

_Cassian doesn’t even care that he’s likely to get sick. He watches as the other man laughs to himself and shakes his head._

_“Bodhi,” he says, grin feeling right on his face for once, “you’re amazing.” Bodhi grins back, until he stops and comes closer.  
_

_“I-” his gaze flickers from Cassian’s eyes to his lips and Cassian swallows, “is it alright if I kiss you?” Cassian’s breathing hitches and he’s kissing him, pressing him deep against him with an emotion he refuses to articulate.  
_

_His heart burns the minute Bodhi kisses back, just as desperate, just as hard. Teeth click against one another from time to time but it’s perfect, real in a way Cassian’s not sure he’s had. He moans into the kiss, pulling Bodhi closer and closer until there’s no space between them, until he can’t do anything else but hold onto the other man and fall and fall and fall._

* * *

 

“I love you,” Bodhi whispers. They’re wrapped around each other on Bodhi’s bed, legs tangled and bodies curled against each other. Not waiting for the other man to say anything, he continues, “you obviously don’t have to say anything, I just wanted you to know. That’s where I’m at.” 

* * *

 

_The first time Bodhi says he loves him, they’re sitting against his ship, staring up at the sky. They’re sitting side by side, hands barely touching. Neither of them have spoken about the kiss; Cassian’s not sure if he wants to. Doesn’t think Bodhi does at all and he accepts that._

_Until he’s proven wrong._

_“I love you,” Bodhi whispers, fingers tapping his wrist, “I love you and you don’t have to say anything back. But I just want you to know. That’s where I’m at.”  
_

_“Bodhi,” Cassian whispers, moving slightly closer and then away. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what he should say.  
_

_“Bodhi,” he repeats.  
_

* * *

 

“I love you too,” Cassian whispers, voice soft and warm like a summer’s breeze. Bodhi blinks up at him and Cassian smiles.

“I love you Bodhi Rook,” he says for the first time. His smile turns into a grin, as wide and bright as any moon and Bodhi can’t help but laugh with giddy.

“I love you, Cassian Andor,” he repeats.


End file.
